Fear, a noun and a verb; an emotion and a state of being.

I don’t always choose a word or intention to guide my year, but in 2019 it was clear that my word was FEARLESS. At the end of 2018 I had been given a frightening diagnosis. Every time I thought about the diagnosis and the impact on my life, I felt a sea of anxiety wash over me. While waiting for a second opinion, I had time to process my fear: fear of the unknown, fear of the implications, fear of an altered lifestyle. However, no matter the outcome, I knew this permanent state of fear was not how I wanted to live my life; rather, not how God calls me to live. In fact, “fear not” appears in the Bible 365 times! Thankfully, the second opinion was reassuring and disproved the first diagnosis. Released from the fear of my physical ailment, I still felt called to cultivate fearlessness in 2019.

It’s also important for me to tell you that I am a recovering perfectionist. If I believe I can’t do something well, this fear of failure often keeps me from trying. It’s like the old saying “Don’t let the fear of striking out, keep you from playing the game”. I’ve been working on being present to play the game and I had so many opportunities this year.

In July, Tyler and I celebrated our beautiful friends’ wedding in Switzerland. As part of the wedding weekend we did a via ferrata together. For those of you who may not know, a via ferrata means “iron path” in Italian. Essentially this path is a combination of hiking and rock climbing. I was excited to try this; however, I woke up the morning of the hike feeling sick to my stomach. I almost bailed…Thank goodness Tyler knows and understands my fears (fear of failing, fear of being the slowest hiker, fear of sucking). He motivated me to get up and I had one of the best days ever. We saw amazing mountain views and I felt so much freedom in overcoming. In being fearless, I slowly began to strip away the armor of perfection.

September is one of my favorite times of the year. My mom comes to visit and we always find ourselves on an epic adventure. This year, part of our trip covered Northern Italy and Greece. Hiking in the Dolomites, we encouraged each other to be fearless. When our legs were tired, the path was narrow, and the ground was icy, we pushed each other to be fearless. This confidence we built in each other cultivated courage and strength. While on the island on Zakynthos in Greece we wanted to visit Shipwreck Beach and the Blue caves. The problem? These destinations are only accessible by boat. Did I mention I get motion sick? And then a migraine? I was petrified of riding in a boat because I didn’t want to feel sick, but at the same time I was desperate to see these hot spots. Thank goodness my mom kept encouraging me to be fearless. The freedom I felt while swimming in the blue caves, motion sickness free, was unparalleled. We were the last ones back on the boat! Our mantra for the trip became “just get on the boat”.

Hiking the snowy, icy Tre Cime di Lavaredo.

Throughout this past year of exploring fearlessness, I had many opportunities to learn what stops me from getting on the boat. My deeply rooted fear of failure, of the undesired outcome, persuades me to be conservative, to make the less bold choice. This armor of self-preservation has the potential to keep me from showing up in the fun stuff (hiking adventures, boat riding, and snowmobiling), but also in the big stuff (avoiding thinking about a difficult diagnosis, finishing my degree in counseling, etc…). As Brene Brown reminds us “It’s not fear that gets in the way of showing up- it’s armor. It’s the behaviors we use to self-protect. We can be afraid and brave at the same time. But armor suffocates courage and cages our hearts. The goal is to create spaces where armor is neither necessary nor rewarded.”

My goal for 2020 is to continue to cultivate emboldened bravery. While still being wise about legitimate risks to life and limb, I want to try things that make me uncomfortable and nervous; I want to shed pieces of my armor so that I may be courageous and vulnerable. This year has allowed me to continue to practice. We went to Japan in January and explored new, unfamiliar cultures and foods, and this month we were in Colorado snowmobiling. During the practice run I failed, I couldn’t control the machine and I wanted to cry at my failure. I thought I would stay behind while Tyler and his family went without me. But I stuck with it… I chose to be brave and I had a blast!

How can you practice emboldened bravery in your life and on your mat? Join me is letting go of your armor and surrounding yourself with people who encourage you to be courageous. Remember that everyone’s “brave” looks different. What choices, actions, and experiences are right for you?

Be BRAVE.